We Aren’t Cougars. We are Priestesses: The sacred experience between older women and younger men

My first time I was with a younger man was shortly after my 20-year marriage ended. I was 44 and he was 20. I had actually never considered being with a younger man at all. I was playing on dating apps and getting quite discouraged by the angry, baggage-filled men of my age but had never even considered lowering the age range.

Until one night, I ended up staying with one of my kid’s friends. I was traveling. He offered to let me stay with him. Honestly, I thought nothing of it… at first.

We chatted for hours about all kinds of deep and interesting things (I’m not very good at small talk). I definitely felt some heat and emotions in the room but I didn’t really pay attention to it. It’s kind of like when you feel sexual tension from someone when you’re married. You might know it’s there but it doesn’t really matter.

At one point, we were lying on his bed staring at the ceiling chatting about how relationships aren’t easy to define — that they aren’t simply platonic or “runaway and have sex” together. Much to his credit, he asked me, “So, which category are you and I closer to?”

At this point, there was no denying that there was crazy mojo in the room. Maybe it was because my heart was pounding wildly, but I responded, “closer to the having sex” side.

With this, he turned up on one side and began kissing me so gently. For a split second, I realized what was going to happen which of course catapulted the excitement in a way that I couldn’t believe. Very soon, our clothes were off and we were fooling around like a couple of teenagers. Before long, we were making love… and it lasted for hours and hours.

Most of the time, I was absolutely lost in the chemistry. But once in a while my mind kicked in and said, “Why does this feel so natural? It’s like there is no age difference at all. It’s just two people making love. Our ages are truly irrelevant.”

This began an entirely new dating experience for me. I quickly shifted my age range to 20–32 and began a very fun, new exploration.

Many years before this, I had begun studying tantra. I studied the spiritual aspects for a long time and then played with how it worked in intimacy. My husband and I had gone away to Jamaica to explore what was possible where I had the most incredible experience.

We were making love with me on top. It was slow, intimate, connected intercourse — the kind that makes you lose track of time and the fact that you even have bodies — when all of a sudden a white light shot up from my yoni into the heavens — or maybe the other way around. I don’t know.

I sat straight up as this orgasmic energy flowed through me for the longest time. During that time, I had visions, memories, and knowledge about tantra — a total download. When it was complete, I just looked at my husband and said, “I understand tantra now.”

Many of the visions were of being a priestess in temples. There weren’t a lot of details — just big beautiful temples where we lived and did wonderful sacred things — not all sexual… but definitely lots were.

I didn’t know what to do with these visions until much later — until I began my new exploration of dating much younger men.

Initially, I had no idea what I was doing. Sometimes, the sex with them was really horrible. They had been watching porn since they were 11 or 12 years old and truly had no idea how to connect with a woman and what to do sexually.

I also realized quickly that there were two kinds of younger men who loved older women. There are those who have fetishized the idea of being with an older woman. There was nothing sacred about it for them. We are simply cougars and another notch in their sexual belt. (The easiest way to spot them was that during our initial texting, one of their first questions would be “What’s the youngest guy you’ve ever been with?”… always a sign that this was just a conquest.)

But then there were the ones who knew that there was something very sacred about being together. They were really honored to be there. They didn’t want to just have sex, they wanted to make love. Yes, they want to learn… but not in a window-shopping way. They actually paid attention and were thankful for every moment.

It was through these experiences that the visions started making sense. They were coming to life right before my eyes. Stories began to form in my mind of young men coming to the temples to learn how to make love, how to create sacred connection, and how to be truly intimate with others.

The most wonderful thing to teach a man is how to follow the woman’s cues. Women are naturally tantric when living in a healthy society. But today, by the time we are sexually active, we often have so many self-image issues and fears in intimacy, that there would be no way for a man to follow us. We then have a less-than-excellent experience. It’s hard to correct because of the fear of hurting their feelings and the fact that we actually don’t know better… and a very negative cycle continues.

Imagine instead the perfection of older women teaching the men up front. On a practical level, neither are looking for a commitment so there is a beautiful openness without the complexities of attachment. Plus, the man is completely free to explore what comes to him because he is with someone who is at ease with herself and her sensuality.

He naturally learns how to hold space and truly love a woman… and then brings this to a future partner, who within this safe and loving container, will simply blossom in her natural tantric tendencies.

Although the patriarchy’s version of what sex is has twisted this idea into calling us “cougars” — desperate housewives on the hunt — I know that this isn’t true.

I know that there can be something very beautiful within the experience and I’m thrilled to have been able to drop the age taboo. In fact, I no longer prefer younger men. I actually seek those who are ageless. If they are young and they act young, they are as unattractive as men who are old and act old. It is the ageless ones that interest me.

Maybe it was the same back in the time of the temples too. Maybe it was only those who were not attached to their egos who could “receive the teachings” anyway. These were the ones that we could explore and play with.

What I do know is that it is a wonderful experience to be with younger men. It is exciting, full of passion and energy, and the connection has a quality about it that stimulates beautiful memories deep in my soul — memories of when we were truly honored and loved for the wonderful, deep, and sensual beings that we are.