I have always desired sexual intimacy in loving relationships, and I've always wanted a man to pursue me - classic "masculine and feminine" chemistry! Yet, so often, when they DO pursue, it has made me angry, and I think things like, "He's only doing this because he wants to get lucky!"

Many women can relate to this feeling of being used and pursued for the wrong reasons... and yet it isn't that we don't want sex. We do! So, what's wrong with this picture?

Please note that I am using a heterosexual relationship dynamic here. I'm sure that this dynamic exists in same sex couples as well, but I wonder if it is even more predominant in heterosexual relationships due to varying sex drives, etc.

Sex is a Part of Intimate Relationships

This paradox of desiring sex, yet resenting being chased for it, really came up for me while I was putting together my couple's tantra course: "Tantra for Two: A 12-week Lovemaking Journey for Couples". The first 6 modules are all about deepening our connection through authentic touch, breath, presence, eye connection, etc. It's so wonderful and warm and connecting.

In the second part of the course, we dive into the masculine and feminine dynamics. Again, Giving and Receiving were warm and fuzzy, and Structure and Chaos are supportive and deeply connecting. But then we came to masculine Pursuit and something in me stopped and asked, "But what if she doesn't want to be pursued?".

The next thought was, "Why doesn't she want to be pursued?" Assuming that she loves him and they are in a healthy relationship (if they're not, none of this matters), then why wouldn't she want him to pursue her? Aren't they in a sexual relationship? Isn't the fact that they are lovers make their relationship different than others?

Of course, there are times when I am working or busy doing something that I obviously don't want to be sexually pursued. The man not honouring that we are busy doing something is an entirely different discussion.

I'm talking about a man offering to take his wife/partner out on a date. Why is a common response, "Oh, he's only doing this because he wants sex"?

When This is the Only Attention

This often arises when there is little amorous connection throughout the day or week, and then all of a sudden, he only has eyes for you! He's doing nice things for you. He's giving you back rubs. He's being the perfect gentleman - everything you desire in a man!

But it feels suspect. Something in a woman feels gross and weird about it.

Why? Because he's horny. He DOES want to get lucky. So, all of this is a kind of foreplay to get us in the mood.

This is where a deep truth starts to rise inside of us - it isn't just sex that we want, it's intimacy that we truly desire.

We don't want to just be used for them to get off on. We want genuine connection. We want love. We want our souls to merge.

We want the kind of deep connection that humans were made for.

We want to MAKE LOVE.

When the Genitals Serve the Heart

In the yogic world, this might be seen as someone being driven by their second chakra - pure lust and the desire to procreate (of course, you may not want to actually make children... but this is the source of the primal desire). It is animalistic. While they may love you, this primal desire has much less to do with you than their own needs to be satisfied.

But as we evolve and explore other aspects of being human, we realize that lovers can be open and vulnerable with each other and connect through their hearts! This is an entirely different kind of love!

This love nurtures us. It nourishes us. It makes us feel intrinsically happy, and this happiness continues long after the sexual intimacy has finished.

From this heart connection, the genitals become the wonderful parts of our bodies that will literally fit our bodies together to become one.

The genitals serve the heart.

Through the connection of our bodies, this powerful love energy can flow.

This is tantric intimacy. This is why ejaculation and orgasm become secondary. This loving feeling is so wonderful and euphoric that we just enjoy "rolling around in it".

Our Container of Love

But this love doesn't just start in the bedroom. It's a part of our everyday life.

It is passing glances in the hallway, cooking together, dancing in the kitchen, and quietly knowing the other is there doing their thing over there while we are doing our thing over here.

It's cuddling on the couch watching a movie together, kissing in the hallway, and yes... making love.

Is there any place in this container for sexy desires, spontaneous pursuit, and lovemaking? Yes, for sure! This is the spice of life!

But it only works if there is loving connection all of the time... with some fun spice thrown in once and a while!

Because the truth is that we do desire intimacy, and we love the feeling of pursuit. We just want it in a wonderful container of deep and abiding love.