Please Stop Putting Your Fears in Me & Holding Me Back

Releasing the grip of the ancestors to step into the light

When we think of the ancestors, we often think of wise souls there to guide and support us on our journey. But what if it isn’t always true? What if those souls (or at least their memories within us) are actually holding us back? What if their fears and experiences are actually whispering inside of us telling us to stay hidden… or what will happen to us is what happened to them?

What if there comes a time when we must step forward regardless of what the ancestors would say?

Around ten years ago, I found myself at a healing retreat in Massachusetts. We were doing a meditation to release stored emotions — emotions that we had carried our whole lives… and maybe longer. We screamed into pillows, beat the earth, wailed, and jumped up and down a lot.

And then we became quiet. As I was standing, I suddenly saw a silver shackle around my neck. It was thick, it was choking me, and it was definitely keeping me from speaking my truth to the world.

I placed my hands at the front of it and asked for the strength to break it and pull it off of my neck. A white light began to shine all around the shackle, my hands slipped inside of it, and in a wondrously magical event, I pulled the shackle apart.

I was now free to speak. I was free to share. I wasn't going to be hurt this time.

Overwhelmed emotionally, I walked out to the sacred fire pit to have a cigarette. As I smoked, my mom appeared in front of me. She had died when I was 25 and was a truly wonderful woman.

I looked at her and started crying. I said, “I’m so sorry that you were never allowed to speak your truth. I’m sorry that you had to be polite and quiet. I’m sorry that no one ever got to hear your firey truth and your real passions. I’m so sorry. I wish it had been different for you.”

And then, I had a vision of hundreds of Native women standing in a circle all around the clearing surrounding the fire pit… and suddenly I was filled with anger.

“Stop putting your shit in me!!”, I yelled silently.

“Stop filling me with your fears! Let me stand on your shoulders and yell from the rooftops! It’s 2013! It’s time for women to be able to speak! It’s time for us to come out of hiding! They aren’t going to hang us or burn us anymore. Please let me use your strength to share what I need to share. It isn’t time to be afraid anymore!”

I took a deep breath, sat quietly for a while, and then went back to the meeting space. I was free. The spell was broken. I could now share openly. I was free to speak.

I had been called to teach tantra. I had been studying it for a long time and had had experiences that had blown my mind. At one point, during a tantric sexual experience, a white light shone up through my spine into the heavens and I floated there in a beautiful ecstatic state.

When it was complete, I “knew” tantra. I understood exactly what I had to teach. I couldn’t quite explain it yet because it came in as a whole knowing. There were no bullet points or essays writing in my mind. I just knew what I had to share.

I also understood the sacred feminine. I understood the power of the feminine and how it danced beautifully with the sacred masculine. It was all so clear… and so beautiful.

But when I thought about sharing it, fears arose inside of me. I couldn’t really identify where these fears had come from. They didn’t feel like they were mine. I was a strong, independent woman who shouldn’t have been afraid of what the public would have thought. And yet, the fears completely shut me down.

I even spoke to my kids, who were teenagers at the time, if they thought it would be weird for me to start teaching tantra publicly. After all, we lived in a small town. People would think I was hosting orgies and doing weird things.

My kids said, “Mom, that would be the coolest. We definitely think you should teach. It’s totally perfect… and don’t worry what anyone else thinks. Who cares?”

I had my children’s blessing. People were asking for me to teach publicly. So what was my problem?

This was the answer I got that day in the clearing. It was the generations of women who had been punished for speaking out — the history of oppression and fear of anything from being beaten, to being hung, or publicly shamed, etc.

As real as it was for them, I didn’t want to carry that legacy forward one more day. It would only hold me back — and it would taint my message.

So, I thank the ancestors for everything they have experienced. I am thankful for the wisdom and strength that is within me because of their courage.

I have great compassion for what has happened in the past. But it will not stop me today. I am 100% free to live today in the truth that is within me — to share what I know openly and freely.

I will stand on their shoulders in strength and courage… 

That is what I will bring forward.