6 Steps to Find Masculine Men on Tinder
The masculine and feminine do not exist in isolation.
They play together
Building upon each other.
Most powerful when they polarize
Uniting in the bliss of oneness
And new creation.
KATRINA BOS, Tantric Intimacy
When we apply tantra to love and relationships, the goal is total bliss and ecstasy — because that is what we are designed for. Of course, there are many things needed for this to happen: openness, trust, personal strength, kindness, etc. These are required for all relationships to be loving and fun.
But there is more…
For sexually intimate relationships, if we truly want to feel the ecstasy that we are capable of, then we need to play in masculine and feminine polarity. In this physical world, based in duality, the key to ecstasy is the union of opposites. It is completing the yin/yang symbol. It is the incredible dance of the masculine and feminine and all the joys that go with it!
(This masculine/feminine polarity exists in all orientations regardless of gender expression. The masculine partner is the one who grows and strengthens when taking the masculine polarity. Since I am a heterosexual woman, I seek this polarity in men.)
A Tantrika in the Tinderverse
When I became single in my 40s, my favourite dating app was Tinder. If I was to find a lover or be in a relationship, I was only looking for men who loved to be in the masculine polarity. I didn’t want to chase them, initiate, make the plans, etc. I wanted to dive into my deep feminine waters and find someone who wanted to play in the energetic fire of the masculine!
I also didn’t want someone to act a certain way just because that’s what I wanted. No one should have to change to be in a relationship. So, I wanted to find someone who wanted to play in this dynamic dance!
So, why in the world would I choose Tinder? Isn’t that just for hookups? Surely I wasn’t going to find anything there… Well, the amazing thing about Tinder is that in many ways, it is set up beautifully to find the kind of man I was seeking. It took me some serious trial and error… But I found some surefire ways to learn a lot about someone long before we ever met.
1) What pictures did they choose?
How did they choose to present themselves? Are they hiding behind sunglasses in every picture? Are all of their pictures of them drinking with their buddies? Do they want you to know that they have ripped abs? Are they smiling? Do they seem happy?
Connection is everything in masculine/feminine play. Historically, “masculine” meant anything from control to anger to aggressive. Why? Because it was disconnected from the feminine.
The way to truly lead is to be connected to their partner. This is why whether you can see their eyes and whether they look at the camera is important.
2) Their Write-ups
Did they write anything at all? Is what they wrote filled with anger towards their ex? Are they making sure that you are loyal and honest? Do they mention that they aren’t interested in drama and BS?
These are all huge clues that they have piles of baggage that will get in the way of their ability to step into a new relationship in the full masculine. If there is bitterness, they will expect their partner to step up and prove themselves in many ways. They will hold back for fear of repeating their past.
All this means is that they have healing to do and this will either be done on their own or it will be “worked out” in all of their successive relationships. In this case, they will be in the feminine chaos while I would have to “hold space” for them putting me in the masculine.
Of course, if I had met them socially, we had become friends, they had issues, but we fell in love anyway… then that’s cool. But when someone writes it in their profile before you’ve ever met, they are telling you that this is already between you before you ever get started.
3) Do they message first?
This is the next thing that we find out about them. If they message first, this tells us that they are comfortable and desiring to be in the masculine role.
I understand that it’s often an issue that men don’t get responses from their messages. I understand. But where is the warrior spirit? Where is the realization that women definitely get tons of messages that they often can’t keep up?
The bottom line is that I wanted to date someone who had hope for relationships. I wanted someone who looked at my profile and thought “Man, I’m not going to pass up this opportunity!!”
If I have to initiate and do any kind of chasing before we’ve ever met, you can almost guarantee that that will also be what will happen later in relationship.
4) Good Conversation
At this point, assuming they have sent you a message, there is another filter. Do they carry the conversation and ask interesting questions? Or do you get “Hey” to start and nothing much more interesting after that? This is definitely a sign that they don’t enjoy pursuit or putting much effort in.
In no way do I expect some kind of deep conversation with someone that I haven’t met yet. But all I know is that when the next message is many lines long and says something interesting besides the fact that I have pretty eyes, I am paying full attention!
5) Are they just looking for free sex?
A really good sign is that they talk about things besides sex. If they start asking you intimate questions about your sexual preferences and details about past experiences, there is a huge chance that they don’t value intimacy at all. They are just looking for something very superficial and porn-like.
Personally, I needed to know that they naturally value kindness, respect, and emotional intimacy. The fact that they steered clear of discussing anything intimate — until we actually were intimate — was a very good sign.
And this mattered whether we were going to simply have one night of lovemaking together, whether we became sporadic lovers, or we developed a deep relationship. The quality of the intimacy is dependent on the people — not the duration of the relationship.
6) Do they actually want to meet you?
Of course, the final filter is whether or not they make a plan to get together. I really only want to chat back and forth a few times before making a plan to see each other face-to-face. I don’t consider this a date… it’s really just a meeting. If you saw each other at a party, this is the moment when you would actually speak and see if there was anything there.
However, very often, this meeting is not the others’ intention at all.
Sometimes people are just lonely and want someone to talk to. Oftentimes, they are married, in a relationship, or so recently out of a relationship, they are just testing the waters but nowhere near ready to meet anyone. Sometimes they don’t look like their pictures and are just looking for sexy conversation and pictures to masturbate with.
Then there is the possibility that they are accustomed to women doing the chasing and planning. Men have told me that there is a great fear of rejection in this step. I certainly understand that. But one of us has to take the leap. One of us has to step into the fray and risk rejection. If it has to be me, then I’m already done.
But if they are truly on Tinder to meet someone interesting, they seek an opportunity to step into their masculine self, they see themselves and interesting and open, and choose to take the risk to message and meet me, then I am so all in!!
